You don't know what you don't know....

I was asked a question on Thursday that seemed so simple and silly that I didn't have an answer for it but it was more because I never had to think about it, I never had to have an answer for "what do you think about death". The question was asked by someone who I had never met before but I was suppose to confide in and speak to them about something that holds so much weight in my heart and I didn't know what to say. I didn't? I didn't think about death, I still don't think about death, I am aware of the that death is apart of life but even during this time, a time where I am heart broken by a death it isn't what I think about. It was sudden, I didn't see it coming and even if death had of been something I thought about regularly nothing on earth could have prepared me for this for the pain, the heart break, the shock, the emptiness that comes with death and I still, won't spend anymore of my time thinking about death, it will still just remain apart of life but what I will become more familiar with is the affect on my life and me as a person that a death will bring. Death and how it happens doesn't scare me, losing someone scares me, missing someones presence from my life for the rest of my life scares me. I know it doesn't sound natural but the death isn't whats holding the weight in my heart, I know she lived a life, a life most couldn't dream of living, she didn't fear death, strangely we spoke about it more than I ever have. She lived a life everyday that meant everyday was a new one, a new lesson, a new experience whether it be finding a new book or just hearing about how coffee in another country is made. She never worried about passing into her next life because she was focused on living the one she had now. She deserved to give more like she did, teach more like she did, excite more like she did and just enrich more lives everyday with her love and wisdom like she did and I find sadness in knowing the world and the people in it are without that now. She deserved to just do and be more but for me her passing doesn't make me think anymore about death, death isn't what gives me a headache from crying it's what death takes from me that brings all the suffering, losing someone you spent everyday creating memories with, making plans with, laughing with and just being with is where the suffering comes from. Missing you, missing everything about you. They say 'you don't know what you've got till it's gone' and I agree. As much as I appreciated you when you were here with me and I was everyday grateful for the love, even the tough love and the energy you injected into my world and you knew that but I never knew truly the impact you had on my life, until now, now that I don't have it, I don't have any regrets because of all my friendships, the one with you provided more love, mutual respect, concern and appreciation of any other and it is something I want to honour within other relationships. I know you're still here, I know you're still with me but a million reminders of you a day could never remove the heart palpitations and over whelming sense of anger that comes from not having your physical presence everyday. I don't mind not having an answer to "what do you think about death" and I will never spend too much time thinking about death but I will spend everyday thinking about what it took from me, but more importantly I will spend more time thinking about what you gave to me. I will never stop missing you even more.